A new report by the parenting organisation, Netmums, who surveyed 1,000 parents and 100 children independently, suggests that separating parents are in denial about the impact their divorce may have on their children.
Netmums report on the perceptions of parents and children on the effects of divorce
According to the survey:
- Only 14% of children felt that they could be honest with their parents about how upset they were;
- 2 in 5 indicated that they ‘hide their feelings from their parents as they don’t want to upset them’ while 1 in 5 felt ‘there was no point in telling my parents how I feel as they are too wrapped up in themselves’;
- One in 12 felt that they had no option but to look after the parent as the relationship broke down while 35% claimed that one of their warring parents tried to turn them against the other;
- Almost a third of under 18’s described themselves as ‘devastated’ by their parents’ divorce while one in 12 thought it meant their parents ‘didn’t love them’ and had ‘let them down’. 13% blamed themselves for the split;
- The trauma of the separation was so bad for some children that 31% witnessed their parents fighting, 5% drank and 3% took illicit drugs to cope. Perhaps of even more concern was that 11% self-harmed;
- A further 6% deliberated suicide and one in 50 tried to commit suicide but were discovered in time.
The perspective of the parents was significantly different:
- Only 5% were aware that their children blamed themselves for the split and 10% actually believed that their children were ‘relieved’ when they left their partner;
- 10% of parents realised their child had seen them fighting which was three times lower than the true figure;
- 8% confessed to having tried to turn their child against the other parent, almost four times lower than reported by the children;
- 77% of separated couples believe that their children coped well – but only 18% of children are actually happy that their parents have separated;
- Over a third of children claim that one of their parents tried to turn them against the other, whereas only 8% of parents admit to it.
- Whilst one in five children drank and one in nine self-harmed to cope, just one in 100 parents were actually aware of it.
The report also indicated that the most usual way that children learned that their parents were separating was for their mother to tell them face to face (28%) followed by both parents telling them together (24%). Shockingly however, 13% overheard it during an argument and 1% were told by text message.
Comment
If nothing else, the report highlights the lack of understanding that parents can often have when it comes to the traumatic effect that separation and divorce can have on their children. By being more aware of that and trying to keep matters as amicable as possible, it is to be hoped that this effect can be reduced along with the worrying figures above.
How Nelsons can help
If you need advice on divorce, finances or children issues, please contact our Family Law team, who will be happy to discuss your circumstances in more detail and give you information about the services that we can provide. Contact us on 0800 024 1976 or via our online form.